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When your members realize they have no chance of winning an NFL pool, they tune out. They stop making their picks. They leave to buy the proverbial pack of cigarettes. Basically, they drop off the face of the Earth.
We see it time and again.
No matter if you’re running pick’em, credits, confidence, whatever… halfway through the season, a quarter of your most idealistic members will turn to mopey, can-kicking pessimists. You’ll see them disappear into the mists of self-pity, making lame excuses for why they couldn’t muster the 20 seconds of motivation to keep making picks one more week.
It’s just the way people are. And pools suffer when fewer players play.
But after running a pool platform for almost 20 years, we’ve learned a few things about what keeps members motivated.
It’s not enough to simply reward good performance. You must punish bad performance, too.
Yes, we’re talking about PAIN, folks.
Sweet, unadulterated PAIN. From good-natured ribbing to intense public embarrassment… PAIN is a vitally important instrument in your commissioner’s toolkit. If you’re a sadist, you’ve probably already stopped reading — SAY NO MORE!
But if you’re wondering what we mean more specifically…
We highly encourage you to create a biggest loser “prize” for your lowest-performing player.
We don’t mean give your lowest performing player some sort of monetary prize. That’s dumb. No, we mean the opposite. Make them do something that they aren’t going to like.
Some of our best commissioners here have insanely creative (and high-stakes) Biggest Loser prizes. So to inspire you, we’ve included our favorites below… ranked in order of intensity, from least to most (with an added bonus if you’re looking to make the punishment a little more punishment-like).
OUR FAVORITE BIGGEST loser fantasy PUNISHMENTS
The Gentleman’s Agreement: Loser buys a sumptuous dinner for the winner at the winner’s choice of establishment. (Warning: We’ve seen winner-loser roles reversed year to year, so just be aware that picking the most expensive place in town can come back to haunt you.) DIAL IT UP: Not just buying dinner, but drinks too!
The TikTok Challenge: Hope you’ve got some killer dance moves. Loser must perform popular TikTok dances until they hit 10,000 views. DIAL IT UP: Make that 100,000 views.
The Sandwich Board: Basically the analog equivalent of the TikTok challenge. Buy one of these old-timey sidewalk marketing gimmicks from eBay and have your biggest loser walk around a busy street. Added bonus: Season winner gets to pick what goes on the sign. Dial-up DIAL IT UP: Loser is naked except for the board.
The Hue Jackson: Loser must jump into a local lake or pond in their finest attire (preferably a suit). Hue Jackson said he would jump into Lake Erie if the Browns went 0-16 – unclear if he followed through. DIAL IT UP: Make them jump in AND sing the NationalAanthem while treading water in their clothes.
The “Me and My Teddy”: What would a fantasy punishment be without stuffed animals? Get a huge, county-fair-sized stuffed animal (preferably a teddy bear) and put it in a tuxedo. Loser has to eat dinner with Mr. Snuggles at the fanciest spot in town. DIAL IT UP: Dress the bear in BDSM gear.
The Dreaded Test: Loser has to take the SATs. Yes, the actual test, in a room full of high school students. DIAL IT UP: Scores must be made public.
The Open Mic Set: Losing is no laughing matter. Especially if you make your last-place player get up and try comedy for 5 minutes at a dive bar. DIAL IT UP: Make them include a kazoo, cowbell, and/or rubber chicken into their performance.
The Concerned Citizen: Similar to the Open Mic Set, but with an altruistic bent. Loser must attend their city’s town hall meeting with three to five pre-written questions, as decided by the winners of the pool. DIAL IT UP: Winners get to determine the outfit the loser wears while asking their questions.
The Lemonade Stand: Loser must dress up in Boy Scout gear and sell lemonade at a lemonade stand on a busy street until they make 10 sales. DIAL IT UP: Make them go until the hit 50 (or more) sales – could turn it into a multi-day event.
The Eyebrows of Shame: What it sounds like. Loser shaves their eyebrows clean off. DIAL IT UP: Loser must also take a picture of themselves sans eyebrows and make it their profile picture across every social media outlet.
The R/RoastMe Challenge: Outsource your pain-giving to the Internet! The subreddit r/roastme will hurt some feelings for sure. And if you’re lucky, the mean comments can accrue into the thousands! DIAL IT UP: Take the top comments and make T-shirts.
The Santa’s Lil Helper: Loser has to go to a mall during the week before Christmas and attempt to sit on Santa’s lap before security says no. DIAL IT UP: make them do this in an elf costume.
The Waffle House Challenge: Loser must sit in a WaffleHouse for 24 hours. Every waffle they eat shaves an hour off the time. DIAL IT UP: If loser throw up, the clock resets. (Harder than it sounds, trust me).
The Half Marathon: Loser has to run a half-marathon within 6 months of the end of the pool. DIAL IT UP: Uh. What’s worse than running? Literally nothing.
The Tat of Shame: Winner gets to pick what the loser gets tattooed on their body. Loser gets to pick where it goes. DIAL IT UP: Winner gets to also decide how big the tattoo is.
Whatever This Was: This is hard to top. DIAL IT UP: You actually can’t.
General thoughts to consider when creating your next Biggest Loser fantasy football punishment:
- Is it truly painful to all the people in your pool?
Make sure your punishment fits your crew. For example: If one of your buddies is a professional comic, a 5-min standup set is likely not going to phase them at all. So in order to be the fairest punishment possible (hey, we’re not monsters), it needs to be something equally painful to everybody involved.
- Is it able to be documented?
It’s important that whatever you have your biggest loser do it’s able to be enjoyed for years to come. Selecting a prize that includes video documentation has the added benefit of screen-caps for T-shirts, hats, and other merchandise later.
- Is it too painful?
Are your pool members going to cite the Geneva Convention after they’re through with it? If so, you might wanna scale it back — just a touch. A good rule of thumb is: Are they going to look back at it in three years and laugh, or have PTSD flashbacks? You should lean more into the former than the latter.
- Is it actually illegal?
And if it is, do you have a good defense attorney in your pool? Our legal counsel is making me tell you that we’re kidding…. Take it away, counsel!
A Disclaimer for Any Dum-Dums in Our Audience
From our lawyer:
I can’t believe we actually have to say this, but we are not responsible for injuries (physical or emotional), financial loss, civil lawsuits and criminal charges that may result from your pool’s last place punishment. Remember, consent is key. If someone doesn’t want to do it, don’t force them. And really, if you’re considering committing assault or bullying someone because they lost a pool and you want to win a contest, take a moment to reflect on the choices that brought you here. To paraphrase the disclaimers from Jackass (this is really not what I envisioned doing in law school): if you post or send us content that includes anything illegal, dangerous, discriminatory, abusive, infringing on someone else’s rights or otherwise reeking of terrible judgment, we’ll just delete it.
Now You!
We’re always hungry for more painful, hilarious, and hilariously painful ideas to maximize PAIN — I mean engagement (especially for our internal RYP-employees-only pools). So please, we are asking sincerely: scroll down to the comment block below and shoot us your best Biggest Loser punishment ideas.
We’ll include our favorites in our next post and may even use a few here for our upcoming pools. 🙂
This week’s trivia Question
Among active coaches, New England coach Bill Belichick currently has the best winning percentage in the NFL playoffs. What other active coach isn’t far behind him in second place?
